The problem is, in order to be Dr. Betty and not just any old Betty, I have to write a dissertation first.
I've been in college as a student now for a total of 10 years. A decade. And I'm now to the pinnacle. Almost to the top. Almost conquered this mountain.
The terminal degree. There's no higher to go.
And I've realized... I suck at writing.
Well shit.
Seriously. How does this happen? I was all smarty-pants to myself and thought I would use the strategy of research then write, research then write, research then write. And I even thought ahead to not waste time with trying to wordsmith and write perfectly.
Just start an outline, I said.
Just paste the quotes in the outline, I said.
Edit into coherent arguments later, I said.
And here I sit, in a Starbucks, drinking my cinnamon dolce latte with half the syrup and all of the whip realizing I'm a mouth breathing moron.
Why have I suddenly lost my ability to paraphrase? Why does my brain no-worky as I stare at the pages of Chapter 1 and wonder how I managed to get dressed this morning without falling down more?
We recently had a speaker in our dissertation seminar class who is a badass among badasses. She's a doctor of writing for baby Zeus's sake. She has the work ethic of a country farmer in the throws of a drought and she is wicked smart to boot. And she said, "Writing is hard. For everyone." And then she outlined a series of dumbass mistakes she made on her journey to her Ph.D.
That is the only solace I find right now as I stare at these pages and wonder how on earth I missed that I put the same quote in three different places. Or why I can't make myself think broader in terms of the national conversation and I want to dive right into saving the world.
Why can't I be patient and trust the process?
Why am I so tempted to just go home and take a nap instead of work on this today in the face of my own inadequacies?
Because I'm human. I recognize that.
So I'm going to stop bitching about how much this sucks and how much I suck and just do it.
Bitches get stuff done, right Tina Fey?
It's time for this bitch to get to work.
I hope you enjoy my journey to be Dr. B.
